November 21, 2010

It Was Only A Dream

     It was a dream.  I know that.  But goddamn, it felt so real.
     And you were there.  I remember you so distinctly, so clearly…  Amidst a sea of white, and clamoring, and indistinct, unrecognizable voices, there was you.  Just sitting there…watching me.  And you made it all seem manageable.  Like those voices, and that white emptiness…it was all gone.  Just silence.  And just you, and just me.  Just us.  The way it used to be, I guess.
     I think you wanted to say something, but I don’t know what it was.  What was it?
And holy shit the feelings that came rushing at me when I saw you…  I know it was a dream.  But those feelings…I still feel them, now, awake, talking about it.
They all hit me, like one of those waves you don’t see coming, the kind that knocks you down hard, and makes you realize how incredibly insignificant you are, but you know you have to get back up, you have to keep going because this can’t possibly be all there is in store for you. 
     I was…apathetic…incredibly, uncontrollably apathetic.  But there was this deep…I don’t know how to explain it…sense of love.  Like it was the last time I’d ever feel it in my life.  Like it was the last time ever, for anyone.  Like somehow this, somehow you had changed the course of mine, and everyone else’s futures.  And sadness because of that realization. 
     And I don’t know what else…feelings that nobody ever put words to, because words can’t possibly describe them.  But they were there.  I still feel them.
     And everything was so white…and you were so damn far away.  Like the more I wanted to touch you, the more I tried to reach for your hand, the further you were.  Like I’d never reach you.  (Is that metaphorical?)  But you were just sitting there, waiting for me to come to you, giving me this look like why aren’t you coming to get me?  But it was all so WHITE.  Christ, it was blinding.  It was all I could do to see you, to keep my eyes open and keep watching you, because looking away didn’t seem like an option.
     Because there you were.  Right in the middle of it, just sitting in it.  Just like you always were.
     And it was a dream, I know that.  But damn, it was so real… It was the first time I’ve seen you in years.  And I think I need to admit that it’s likely the last, because if I’m being honest with myself, it was just a dream…and you’re still gone.  

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